The Old Farmers Almanac Condensed Version

One of my favorite things to do in the fall is digging through the new edition of The Old Farmer’s Almanac.  The 2011 edition is 254 pages of stuff you really don’t need to know, but yet I’m facinated by its content.

Tradition tells you the first thing you have to look at is the weather prediction. The smart people at this publication have divided the US into 16 zones with us partial Canadians being designated into zone 9…classified as “Upper Midwest”. Guess what?  The prediction is “this winter will be slightly colder than normal with the coldest periods in mid January and mid February”.  Brilliant!!

The real value of this publication is not the weather predictions, but all the rest of the useless information. Like in the astronomy section, the fact that if the Sun were to go suddenly dark, the moon would disappear at the same time but the “earthshine” (absorbtion of sunshine of the earth) would continue to illuminate the moon for another 3 seconds?  Did you know that a “minnie” is the term for the smallest detectable movement of a computer mouse??  And the Old Farmers Almanac is the only place you can find out about an APGAR score, which is a score given to a newborn ranging from 0 to 10 measuring the baby’s Appearance, Pulse, Grimace, Activity, and Respiration. And in the same publication you can find out all the medicinal uses for vinegar, fixing everything from liver spots to relieving leg cramps. And then just in a couple of more pages you can discover the best meteor shower for 2011 will be August 11th – 13th thanks to the Swift Tuttle comet.

One of my favorite parts of the almanac is the little “sayings” they have reflecting the weather for each month. For example…one of January’s sayings is “Snow’s sporadic, but the cold’s emphatic!”  The first week in May’s saying is “We demand and explanation for theis wintery precipitation”.  A July saying is ” Cool and rumbly, picnickers are grumbly”. Cute huh?

Well, I decided to take some literary liberties and come up with my own sayings….they may not make this edition of the Old Farmers Almanac, but don’t be surprised to hear some morning show dj plagerize my genius.

Here we go:

November: Snow across the lake…a casserole to bake.

December: Grandpa’s drunk at the bar, glad we don’t have to drive far.

January: Legislature in St. Paul, a blizzard to them all!

February: Valentine’s Day hearts, the weather’s a bit tart.

March: In like a lion, to Florida I’m Flyin’

April: Act like a fool, go find a pool!

May: Get out of school, my this weather’s cool.

June: Launch the boat right here, and drink some beer!

July: Let’s go to the Dakota’s to get some fireworks, but don’t get hurts…

August: Can’t go to the fair…cause lightening singed my hair.

September: Global warming…damm those aerosol sprays.

October: Columbus couldn’t sail, because of the hail.

Oh yes, now that you’re inspired, pick a month and leave a ditty….

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